Being physically isolated from loved ones for an extended period of time is something most Americans have never experienced. Though uncomfortable, the distress you may be feeling is a normal response to the situation. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything “wrong” with you. Yet, the encouragement just given was spoken to me by several friends on many phone calls during my first weekend alone.
Feelings of Gratitude and Sadness
Truthfully, it wasn’t until all of the distractions of daily living ceased that I felt the effects the abrupt shutdown had on my psyche. My week was busy with work, and although my career is very engaging, I was working from home all day with no human contact. Gyms had shut down, restaurants, salons, schools; the country was on a lockdown for the first time in any living American’s lifetime.
The few weeks prior to this complete quarantine, I felt very resilient, even upbeat. I remember one morning in early March feeling particularly perturbed, listening to friends complaining about small inconveniences that seemed very futile to me. My initial feeling was deep gratitude. I was grateful to be healthy and financially stable, while at the same time, no one I personally knew was suffering from the ill effects of COVID- 19. This seemed to be more than enough to bring a calm smile to my face and feel appreciative of my current status.
While making my bed on a Monday morning, I stopped to sit down on the half that had not been completed. I had to gather myself because I was having a detailed memory I had not thought of in years. I felt a huge surge of gratitude and sadness come over me at the same time. In 2005, when I had my very first chemotherapy treatment, I lived in Tampa, Florida and we were experiencing a hurricane that had shut down the city for days. The grocery store shelves were bare, no power meant uncomfortable living conditions, and stores including pharmacies were closed. This caused an unfortunate chain of events for me and my family. The first chemo treatment one receives is called an “inoculation” treatment because during this time, the doctors are able to see how the patient will respond to the treatment and if there are any adverse side effects. I was not told this prior to receiving my first round but I soon learned by experience exactly what that first treatment would expect of me. I had many adverse reactions; however, the two that were extremely painful were the canker sores lining my entire digestive tract and the paralysis of my digestive tract. These side effects were so excruciating that, although I can’t remember today what it felt like, I do remember thinking that I couldn’t possibly continue with this treatment 11 more times if this is what I was going to experience. I can also still see the look on my nurse and oncologist’s face when they eventually saw me in the office and knew I had gone through that cycle with no pain medication or managing treatments. I was stuck without the ability to receive any medical care to ease the pain because the hurricane had caused the city to shut down.
Understanding This Too Shall Pass
Moving forward through the other treatments, I never endured anything that painful again and if it weren’t for this current situation, perhaps that memory would have stayed stored away in the “Hodgkin’s Disease” file in my brain. Yet, it is this remembering and knowing “this too shall pass” that helps keep me sane during this period of seemingly deprivation – especially for an extrovert like me. I am able to draw on the understanding that as I sit at home, even if aloneness feels uncomfortable, I am allowing myself to adjust to this feeling, and know that I am helping medical professionals and patients who are suffering from COVID-19, ensuring that they will get the supplies and care they need.
Just like many of us have never experienced lengthy isolation, so too have many of us never experienced a lack of medical care in a life or death situation. Both seem inhumane, yet it is the act of isolating right now that is the kindest and most humane thing we can do.
These truths help me through the moments when I feel all alone or perhaps forgotten. While social media and WiFi offer various ways of connecting, it is valid to still need true human touch or in person connection.
When I had my weekend of despair, it was a good friend, a mental health counselor, that I called for comfort. I embarrassingly said, “I feel like I am freaking out.” I felt I should have been stronger. After all, the sun was shining, I had food, I felt great AND I felt guilty for not being able to access my well-trained gratitude practice. I had a deep pit in my stomach; I felt issues, limiting beliefs coming up that I didn’t want to process or deal with.
Building Resiliency
This is what our modern society of unlimited options does for us; it causes a distraction to bury our “stuff.” When we distract ourselves and stay addicted to outside stimuli, we are depriving ourselves of true healing and growth. Emerging into the fullness of who you were born to be can feel sad and be terribly painful. Somehow, the message of growth = ease got blurred upon delivery. Nature is full of examples of failure and death leading to great beauty and positive change. Just think of our four seasons or the caterpillar morphing into the luxurious butterfly. When even the smallest changes are met with resistance, stress and major conflict can ensue. This pandemic is giving us all a platform to practice breaking our mold of security and comfort to rise into a new space with a favorable, positive attitude filled with resilience.
Now, back to that first phone call I had when my personal discomfort set in. I sat on the phone and listened to this supportive voice say, “Of course you feel anxious and out of place. This whole fear and anxiety laden situation is not a place we have ever experienced.” She continued to tell me it was okay, and in this sea of abnormalities, I was having a normal reaction. Later, I sat contemplating and processing these still very uncomfortable sensations and it was another friend’s advice I drew on, “Just let it come up – don’t resist.” The ultimate shift out of this downward spiral of despair was the paradox of life – two opposing sensations can exist at one time. During extreme loneliness, I was able to draw on advice from loved ones to shift and change, and then finding comfort in order to rise up from the bottom.
After several months of quarantine that has infiltrated nearly every aspect of our lives, I have come to two conclusions: 1. The hard days are real and it makes sense to feel negative emotions. 2. We’re all going to be okay.